Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Measuring Danger

Living in the city as I do, I am not unaware of certain “dangers” as I go throughout my day.  I’m always alert about passers-by when I walk Dorothy at night, for example; I have my key ready for a quick entrance into my apartment building; much though it pains me to do so, I don’t insist on “pedestrians having the right of way” [which THEY DO!!] when bullying vehicles turn left or right; etc.

And living in the city as she does, Miss Dorothy is also not unaware of certain dangers:  she doesn’t like a truck to make a hissing noise as it pulls up to park; she is wary of people who sneeze when they pass her; she is suspicious when people pause outside of our front door; she understands the potential danger of a hippo snorting in a documentary on the TV; etc.  And then there is her arch nemesis….the Tape Measure.

Dorothy hates this tape measure in particular, and any retracting tape measure in general.  Has a certain parent augmented this hate by teasing her with the tape measure?  Yes, yes he has.  And has a certain other parent been innocently knitting and then, upon needing to measure her progress, used the tape measure and all of a sudden been beset upon by an angry bulldogge ball of fury who materialized into her lap out of nowhere to attack said measuring device?  Yes, yes she has.  Just saying.

I now know to open the tape measure as quietly and as calmly as possible.  If Dorothy is sleeping, she will still open her eyes when I do this and won’t relax again until I put the instrument of evil down, but at least I can thwart her from having to wrest it out of my hand.

The other day, however, the couple who is going to be moving into my apartment when I move out of it stopped by with my landlord to measure my apartment.  Do you see where this is going?  My landlord was telling me a story, when out of the corner of my eye I saw the couple take a tape measure out of a pocket and start measuring my living room.  Oh dear.  Of course, Dorothy went berserk and I had to try to explain that my bulldogge did not like tape measurers.

She then proceeded to follow them into all the rooms so that she could keep trying to get between them and the evil retracting device—as any good hostess should.  It was all rather fraught!

Dorothy thinking, really what is wrong with using a simple yardstick?

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