Bulldogge ByLaws: The Crying Clause

The other day I came across Dorothy trying to thumb through the hefty tome that is the Bulldogge ByLaws, while simultaneously trying to cover her ears to block out the sound of Owen crying.  Dorothy has disliked the crying since Day One, and has tried various tactics to block out the sound, from leaving the room, to going under the covers, to giving us pointed "aren't you going to shut that thing up" looks and whining.  All that infant crying can wear a bulldogge out.

Here Dorothy is and she'd like you to know that Owen's infernal racket has made her look like the pitbull she is not:

She says a bulldogge needs her beauty sleep and this is what happens when she does not get enough of it:

So anyway, that is why I found Dorothy flipping through the ByLaws looking for the Crying Clause, which says something to the extent of:  Any crying in Bulldogge Manor shall be done by the bulldogge, herself, and not by any of the human inhabitants of said manor.  Nor by the cats.

And after the bulldogge doth whine, she shall rest in silence and peace on the couch:

So sayeth the Bulldogge ByLaws, as quoted by Dorothy of Bulldogge Manor.

Bulldogge By-Laws: Drive-By Salad

Last Saturday's trip to Bala Cynwyd for a hike resulted in a lot of Bulldogge By-Laws Referrals and Citations.  When it comes to walking, and the rules of walking, Dorothy just does not take our word for it.  (See picture below).

Anyway, I'm sure faithful readers are all well aware that Dorothy prefers rest over walking.  But we had another issue on our hike, and that is that Dorothy wanted to stop and partake of a good portion of the vegetation around us.  She was a veritable cowwe and pigge!

Which brings us to Article VIII, Section III of the Bulldogge By-Laws:

"While on a hike, a bulldogge is allowed – nay required – to stop as often as she likes, in order to partake of a grass salad.  Any humans on the walk will just have to wait while she eats, and then wait some more while she lies down in the sun to digest."

A colleague at work told me that when a dog eats grass, etc., they are missing something from their diet that a little cottage cheese daily will fix.  Now I would think that when they eat drive-by salad, it would be indicative of missing salad from their diet; but nonetheless, I am experimenting by giving Dorothy a spoonful of Breakstone's in her brekkie.  We shall see how it goes.

Dorothy thinking, My Granny says vegetables are good for me.
And:  would it really hurt you to serve me a side salad with my meal?

Bulldogge By-Laws: And Then There Was Rest

The Bulldogge By-Laws volume is back out on the table, and there has been much pawing through its pages.  Apparently, the clause I’m supposed to read and memorize goes something like, “On the day after a long hike down an old railroad path, during which a Bulldogge performed her walking admirably, said Bulldogge does not, I repeat not, have to walk any distance whatsoever.  In fact, she does not – and will not – turn a corner.  She will do her business a few doors down from her apartment, and then maybe she will walk back.  But more likely she will collapse dramatically down on to the sidewalk and try to get passers-by to think that she is misused.”

Dorothy thinking:  walking is for suckers.

Bulldogge By-Laws: The Heating Vent

Every once in a while Dorothy starts feeling erudite and will thumb through the Bulldogge By-Laws.  Of course she also likes to make sure that All Is As It Ought and that she is receiving her due.  The other day found her fixated on a passage regarding the heating vents in our living room.  Dorothy was convinced that it said somewhere in the By-Laws that Bulldogges get first dibs on all heating vents, and that if a Bulldogge wants to warm herself on a vent, and a small cat is already there…well then the cat needs to move, plain and simple.

The problem is that Posy does not believe she falls under the jurisdiction of said Bulldogge By-Laws.  And so then this happens:

Dorothy complaining:  it says so in the book, yet still she will not move!

Sometimes they will share the vent, although when this happens, Dorothy will cry every few minutes or so to let me know that Posy has more than her share and by the way life is hard.

After a few minutes of whining, Posy will decide the warmth isn’t worth it and move.  But she does so professing that she is by no means accepting the jurisdiction of those By-Laws.  Exotic Shorthairs, she proclaims, have no unwieldy book of rules.  Rather, they follow one edict which one does not even have to store on a Kindle.  That edict is:  Whatever I am doing is the right thing to do.

Words to live by, from yours truly, Posy Fern.

And Plum’s contribution to this entry is that heating vents may be warm, but they will not scratch your belly.

Bulldogge By-Laws: The Soccer Ball Clause

Last Saturday, Dorothy returned from the dog park wanting to look up something in the Bulldogge By-Laws.  She was quite certain that under either Found Items, or Treasures, or Soccer Balls, or a Just Because clause, there existed an article which said something to the extent of:

• If a Bulldogge walks down to the dog  park, and finds there an unattended soccer ball in glorious red and white colors, then said Bulldogge is allowed to forego the remainder of her exercise session and run back home – as the crow flies – with the soccer ball in her mouth.

Because this clause had not been confirmed at the time, Dorothy was not allowed to leave with her treasure, and after we realized that she would do nothing but pace with the ball in her mouth along the fence by the gate hoping to sneak out and run home, we took the ball away from her and hid it up in a tree.  She did stand guard under the tree for about five minutes, but she eventually gave up and joined in with the canine merriment going on around her.

Apparently, soccer balls are Dorothy’s favorite!  I’m going to have to try to find her one that she can’t puncture.

Everyone has a soccer ball but me.

The Bulldogge By-Laws and the Passive Voice

Somewhere in the hefty tome that is the Bulldogge By-Laws -- no doubt on some back page that is stuck together with a crumb of kibble, or a section that is not a stranger to the many feet of a silverfish -- it must state that If A Bulldogge Is Caught Redhanded Doing Something She Ought Not, Her Best Bet Is To Use The Passive Voice.

Dorothy, admitting to nothing:

For if I catch Dorothy heckling the small cat, for instance, she might look guilty, yet refer to it as an "unfortunate incident" that might have occurred.  And if she should be so forward as to attempt to chew my slippers, while MY FEET ARE WEARING THEM, well, all she will admit to is that "mistakes were made."  She has the makings of a true politician, does she not?

Dorothy, wanting me to go away so she can 

listen to the Shangri-Las in peace:

Bulldogge By-Laws: Section WWTD?

Once again, there is strife in my home surrounding the Bulldogge By-Laws.  I keep requesting that before chewing on an item inside (or outside) the apartment, Dorothy first refer to Section WWTD, and follow the instructions there by asking herself "What Would Tulip Do?" before chewing.

Tulip would not chew shoes, for example.  Or threads hanging from couches.  Or the drawstrings on sleeping bags.  Tulip would not steal panties from the hamper, nor chew on the underwires of brassieres.  Dropped foodstuffs are fair game, of course, including kibble that falls out of the mouths of cats.  Hairballs are contentious:  see under the section entitled "Disgusting Habits."  Chew toys are ideal!

In response, Dorothy has demanded that the "T-word" be stricken from the by-laws.  After all, she claims, a pug is not a Bulldogge, so a pug's do's and don'ts are irrelevant to said bulldogge's conduct and chewing habits.

We are at a bit of an impasse.

Dorothy queries:  does this look like a pug to you?

The oft-mentioned dead big sister:

The Bulldogge By-Laws

There seems to be a little disagreement in my household over the contents of the Bulldogge By-laws (not to be confused with the Pug Handbook).  For instance, I like to remind Dorothy that the Bulldogge By-Laws state that she has to give me kisses--and not just strangers she meets on the street.  I tell her the By-Laws explicitly mention Walks, and the goings on thereof, at least thrice daily.  I believe that that passage even mentions something about going on walks eagerly, but Dorothy denies that it says this and when I went back and looked for it, I only found a page with a bite taken out.

Plum likes to referee during such disagreements

But when he is in control of the By-Laws, all of a sudden they seem to be peppered with phrases such as "and then thou shalt worship the Purple Cat" and "Henceforth the contractee will make sure to continually proffer the Purple Cat with sweetmeats of his choosing" and other similar Articles and Amendments.  And that doesn't sound right to me.

Dorothy insists that the Bulldogge By-Laws are a work in progress, and that it might make sense to remove the Section about No Bulldogges being allowed on the table, say, and replace it with something More Faire.

I'm pretty sure that clause will remain as is, though.